long needed updatus
well. i've moved... again. this wasn't a big move, mind you. only two hours south. i'm now a happy resident of eugene... yes. i now live in a city named like a nerd. school started yesterday and beside the realization that i really am going to be busy as fuck for the next four weeks (i've got two classes the first 4 week session, one of which has a field trip every weekend)... but after the 13th life should be somewhat less hectic. dropped by spencers today and asked for a job. i should be getting a phone call later this week to have an interview and fill out an application. the lady seemed really nice and she said i have pretty hand writing (SCORE - yes. i just really enjoy saying "SCORE" after i mention the fact that she commented on my handwriting... it just makes me smile and laugh)... so hopefully it'll work out for the best. we'll see. i'm trying to stay positive about it...

and there isn't much else to say. my week trip home was good... really missed john, and it wasn't a simple "i miss my boyfriend" whiney miss. john's my best friend and 90% of the year the only person i see or talk to. 8 days without seeing him or fighting with him or just getting to steal a kiss when i pass him in the hallway is a long time... other than that, all was relatively well. i saw rosa at work, hung out with steph and eric twice each, and got to see a lot of relatives and family friends.. my dogs and my nephew. little dude is a little dude and although i haven't held him (i'm afraid of holding babies... no amount of reasoning will get me over it) he's pretty cool and we share a love of binkies (pacifiers, for you normal folk).

aaaand. -shrug- life is really good here. i'm really at home here. i think things are finally on track, and although i once again have no idea what direction i'm headed, i feel like i'm getting things done and i'm jumping off cliffs without a lot of worrying.

and thus concludes our completely random and much needed update. ;)

(no subject)
my sister had a baby boy. i don't know his name yet, or how my sister is doing... it's a red head. i'm an aunt.

significant enough to be copy and pasted from dj into this one...
why are we all so self-critical? is that even term? .. probably not. but you get what i mean by it. why do we all rip ourselves apart? why do we feel this constant need to compare ourselves to everyone else in the world?

instant theory 1 - because we're all hopelessly lost when it comes to life. we feel inately that there is some purpose to life. (not necessarily that we all have specific purposes, but that there is some reason to it) this causes us to absorb that feeling of forward movement. and all of that develops into this idea of "at this point in our lives we should be here" .. so the judging by others starts out as a sort of guideline for what we should be doing and where we should be at. we just take it one step further than that and include every little aspect of those people. (BTW, i'm not excluding myself here. i do this just as much, if not more, than everyone else) ... suddenly it becomes "joan has perfect hair" "lisa is a twig" "mark knows the exact point where every possible intellectual idea came into being... and he can quote a number of texts perfectly to support his assertions." ... which all lead finally to "what the fuck am i doing wrong? why am i not like that?" which leads to "there must be something wrong with me." ... and so the downward cycle of extreme self-criticism and partial-hatred begins.

i know. i realize all of these things and they never lead to any solutions.

instant solution 1 - we have to take a step back from this cycle. we must look at ourselves in a completely isolated sense. we must compare our visions of ourselves or our personally-inspired desires to what we are now, and rather than making the realization that we are not at that point (or maybe we're lucky and we are), we must realize that we are only at one point on this journey to become whoever it is we think we want to be. BUT we must do this in a completely isolated fashion. we must not allow any outter influences to affect our desires for ourselves. we must take the things we like for pure reasons and include ONLY those things in our visions. we cannot say "well george is cool and he does this, and he's who i want to be when i grow up." we must become our own people. and we must resolve to become entirely our own people.

ACCEPTION A : there are acceptions to this rule. and this is in the form of inspiration. i'll use a personal example because all of this universality gets so f'ing complicated. I see Shirley Manson (old that is, not current). I admire her originality. I internalize that sense of orginality and create an image of myself with that same SENSE of originality. (of course shirley is a kind of bad example because her former hair color is the exact color that i sometimes want for myself... but you get the picture). it's like going to the fabric store with some sense of a project. you look through patterns. you never find a pattern that is perfectly what you had been trying to think of (unless you're really lucky, and then you just suck :op)... you look through and you get some ideas. you find your own combinations of fabric and yarn and thread and gromets and whatever else you need, and you go home. you take that pattern and rather than creating something that looks exactly like the drawing on the outside, you use that pattern as a starting point for your own original. (even if the pattern is perfect, your choices of fabrics, etc, make it entirely original. entirely your own)

and how does that help anyone? i don't know that it will. i know that it only partially helps me. my habititual downing of myself is so deeply rooted that even realizations of the ridiculousness of it don't lessen it at all. i am a rational mind stuck in an entirely emotional essence. it's a horrible combination. and something that nothing, save maybe some hardcore meditational exercises and mental training, is going to change. doesn't mean i'm not going to stop trying... or even that i don't want both parts of me. i just want to feel in control of my existence. all of my fears are rooted in a lack of control on my part (perhaps the scariest thing for all humans). and i think the only way for me to keep control is, stoically enough (i generally think stoicism is the kind of shit that parents teach kids who won't stop whining), to realize that i cannot control everything. and in that letting go i gain complete control... if only control of myself.

sitting here on a sunday morning with low pigtails and my sneakers still on, dishpan fingers and a bit of a rumbly tummy... and i just realized that it's nearly afternoon.

the truth is that i'll never kill myself because i like living. because of moments like this. when the light shining through the windows is perfectly pure and i'm perfectly relaxed and reasonably comfortable. when i feel the ability to be productive in some sense of the word coursing through me. when i'm able to realize that i am capable. that i am entirely capable.

found this on a random dj community. it amuses me...
Anti-Terrorism Valentine's Day Tips
The Office of Homeland Security explains it all for you.
By Timothy Noah
Updated Thursday, February 13, 2003, at 2:03 PM PT

"Officials said their Monday briefing was just the first stage in a highly orchestrated, long-term public education campaign that will provide information about the wide variety of possible terror attacks and how to respond to each." -Washington Post, Feb. 13, 2003

Office of Homeland Security: Recommended Valentine's Day Precautions

A valentine is an ideal conduit for coded messages. A capital "C," for instance, denotes the crescent moon, a well-known symbol of Islam. If your Christian name begins with the letter "C" (examples: Caroline, Charles, Colin, Condi), do not accept valentines from anybody.

If your name begins with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet, you may accept valentines, provided you:

?Do not accept a valentine from any registered foreign national.

?Open the envelope outdoors, no closer than 20 feet from any other individual.

A bouquet is an ideal conduit for toxins, some of which may occur naturally. It is strongly recommended that you accept no flowers at all, and that you report immediately the name of anyone offering you flowers to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Recognizing, however, that some will ignore this warning, we urge these individuals to spray their flowers with a quick-drying sealant, wrap them tightly in Saran Wrap, and place on a very high shelf.

Chocolates with filling (examples: coconut, nougat, truffle) are an ideal conduit for fissile material. Do not accept or give any. Solid chocolates are a safer alternative. Wash thoroughly before eating.

Mouth saliva is an ideal conduit for smallpox, Ebola, and other highly contagious and deadly viruses. It is strongly recommended that prior to kissing anyone on the mouth or cheek, you seal your mouth with duct tape.

Sexual intercourse
Even in conditions of yellow alert, the Office of Homeland Security does not deem safe any sexual congress between unmarried individuals. During this orange alert emergency, the president has issued an executive order forbidding all Americans from proceeding beyond "second base."

The Office of Homeland Security wishes all Americans a "terror-free" Valentine's Day!

disappointing but funny
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why are all the cars in drowning mona yugos?

house of leaves by mark z. danielewski
i am reading house of leaves. and i must admit that i have never been more terrified in my life. i have never been scared by a book, let alone scared of one. it's this odd combination of attraction and fear... there are parts where i cannot read fast enough, cannot devour it quickly enough to satisfy myself (and the appropriate vulgarness urges me to say something to the effect of "this damn book gets me wet".. but i'm not going to say it)... and there are times when my eyes move slowly across the words as though i'm edging into some haunted house. i try to skim but i'm caught in reading because i'm like a fucking addict. and while i'm reading i'm looking over my shoulder. watching as the hallway grows darker as the sun sets in oregon (it's nearly dark outside in oregon) and my heart is beating a little faster and my ears are perking up a little more to be sure that they aren't hearing any growls. my hand is begging to reach for the remote, to turn on the tv, to create some sort of static to break up this non-silence that is terrifying me.
and i want to put it down. but i can't. and when i do, i have to quickly stick in my ticket from the train today and toss it to the other side of the bed, because i'm afraid that it will show it's teeth and bite me... grab on to me and not let me go. and i'm alone in this house. alone for another two hours. noone would hear me. noone would see what's happened.
once the book is down i'm half afraid to look at it, and more afraid to touch it again.* i quickly stretch my arm out into the hallway and flick on the light to get rid of the darkness that's creeping up the walls. i turn on the bedroom light because it's not enough, and even after i've gotten to the livingroom, where the nearly-dark is still somewhat light, i need to turn on the light. i'm still not satisfied. i may just turn on every light in this house...
and all because of a book`

* indeed i was a little afraid to go back into the bedroom and pick the book up to figure out how to write mark's last name. i'm nervous with it just sitting on the floor beside me ~
~ in fact just having it in my possession makes me a little nervous
` a book that makes me want to write. a book that makes me want to hide. a book that i must admit is slowly and surely becoming the best book i have ever read.

hello there..

gotta love those huge sneezes.

ANYWAY. i'm working on bubba's christmas present. i should be working on my sisters...
mostly i just sit around singing this song (which is a john denver *bleh* song really) and getting all excited to come home next tuesday.

it's confusing to have so many homes

... and... i dunno. steelers have a big game on sunday, but i can't sit still long enough to really think about it...


it's supposed to snow on christmas :)

my sister said that if it doesn't snow at home we should be able to find some in the good old steel city. YAY! CASEY GETS TO GO TO PITTSBURGH!

i love that city too much.
i love the steelers too much.

i love a lot of things too much...

mmm. pennsylvania... mmm.

hehehe. you're right. i'm ridiculous.

but anyway. i've discovered that walking in freezing rain while you eat an apple keeps the apple from turning brown. it's like eating in a fridge. it's wonderful...
of course your hands freeze to death because you lost one of your gloves and people already make enough fun of you that you don't need to go out sporting the mj look....

i'll shut up now.

hope everyone's day is wonderful.

today is the strangest day ever...
and i just heard breathing in another room in an empty house..

and the dj is full of crap...

and wasn't i nude bp too?

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